The L Word Part II

Bette and I fell into a routine even more consistent than before. We spent several nights together throughout the week, we shared secrets and became very “comfortable”  with each other. Every couple of weeks, I noticed a mood shift, from happy to sad, confident to unassuming and self conscious…During these instances Bette would  state how she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but if we moved any slower, we wouldn’t be moving at all. She also  stated she wasn’t happy with herself and of course, but of course the reason was the infamous Tina.

I decided to fight past all the signs of why I needed to let her go and often convinced her to continue dating me!! Who does that?!! Certainly at that point…me. It didn’t feel good either, but my craving for immediate gratification took over my usually logical and perceptive self. Every time we went through this I felt like a little piece of my happiness was stolen….so why do it? I loved her, with all my heart and no brain. I actually still do, but enough to let her go when I realized I could not pull her into my peace, and new I didn’t want to be pulled into her storm. I realized that outside of what I wanted us to become and who I imagined her to be, there was no longer a reason to fight for her anymore. I love her as a person, but I was in love with a figment of my imagination. I imaged her to be some one who loved me as much as I loved them.

During what started off as a good weekend, Bette left her apartment for 20mins, in which I took to read her innermost thoughts. that’s  right, I read her journal, in search of something to confirm my thoughts and to make me angry…and I found just that. I had no remorse as I found what motivated me to get out of this situation. Bette loved me, but was not “in love” with me. She was in love with Tina. I didn’t have a fair shot from the beginning. I felt like she awakened my love without the intention of loving me back. I did thank her for that awakening. It had been years since I felt myself falling in love. It was to the point where I thought I may had been incapable of doing so again.

We both knew we need space, but neither wanted it, so we tried the “friendship” thing, which was short lived. After constantly hearing her speak so genuinely about Tina, I thought I was ok! At least until the weekend we decided to take a short trip to her parents home to go snowboarding over the weekend.  The ride back to her parents after snowboarding was bitter sweet. Bette was driving but it was obvious her mind was far gone. I asked he she cared to share what was on her mind, and you can guess who was the main character of her thoughts, Tina who mind fucked her, how Bette mind fucked me. It was at that point that I realized Bette would act funny towards me when Tina gave her just enough sugar to satisfy her craving. Bette went on to express how she was uncertain about whether she should make another move on Tina. She said some other things, but my mind ran away after that. Despite our new “friendship” why did she feel so comfortable about her boasting love for someone else so soon? Did she love me at all or was she just clueless?? Either way, “I need space” I uttered those words out of pure desperation to rid myself of the feelings I had. The next night of the trip couldn’t end soon enough. I wanted to start the process and get it over with.

We had only dated for 5 months, and on and off, but it seemed so long because of the ups and downs. I miss Bette, but not the situation, and  honestly at this point,  I hope things don’t work out of Bette and Tina. Its been 3 weeks, 1 day, 5hrs, and 20 minutes since we’ve seen each other, but who’s counting?