-Betty Boop, 35
When Clayton calls I always answer… Always. I hate that about him. He has this hold over me. Whether it’s by choice or not. So I’m lying there in my bed, Robert has already gone to Thanksgiving breakfast with his family, I wasn’t invited. *Kanye shrugs* My phone is buzzing, I watched it ring and refused to answer. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to know that I was alone, and lonely. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t longing for him. I wanted to pretend I was busy, enjoying my day with family and friends. In essence, I wanted to lie to him, but I don’t lie to Clayton, EVER… So I sent Clayton to voicemail. I didn’t dare touch the phone, I may have answered it out of habit. So I just watched it ring. I felt a certain victory over doing it. I know, I’m so petty, LOL, but I did it! I resisted Clayton… That was until he called again and I answered it. He was checking on me. He knows this holiday time is very important to me and I love this time of year! I love holidays, gift giving, cheerfulness, and all that jazz.
Unfortunately, since my mom passed, I am displaced from my family. I long for family. I love watching people tell of crazy aunts, or close cousins, and family traditions. I just love it. After I told him I was staying in today because I was in a mood, he invited me to eat with his family. What?! Is he crazy, eat with his mom, sister and father. I was hesitant and didn’t want to impose. More importantly I didn’t want them to figure out I was in love with him. People you’re close to can always see things that you try to hide. I didn’t even consider Robert when I decided to go. He had to work today so I was going to be lonely anyway. He was also on my shit list for accepting an invitation to family breakfast that excluded me. WTF! He wonders why I don’t feel like this marriage is purposeful.
I pulled up to his sister’s apartment and waited for a bit, because Clayton is always late. When he got there, my heart fluttered like a school girl. He is so sexy to me. The way he speaks to me, and looks at me with such deep passion. I wasn’t sure how we were playing this… Am I going to be introduced as his God-daughter’s mother, his longtime friend, or the dreadful wife of Robert? I hate when people introduce me as the wife of… as if I don’t have an existence. Anyway, I was nervous at first and wasn’t sure about this situation. Each step I took I almost wanted to turn around and run away. But Clayton made me feel comfortable. He included me in conversations and his sister and mother were people I could totally be friends with. I even asked his mother to show me some of her recipes. We laughed, played games, and they watched Clayton interact with my girls. I kept thinking, I should have married Clayton, not Robert. I know I am so in love with him, why did I settle. WHYYY! I watched my daughters cling to him, and listen to him. See Clayton has always been like a father to my daughters.
My oldest was 18 months when I divorced my first husband, and I was pregnant with my second. The only male they have ever known was Clayton. My oldest loves him as if he is her father. Contrary to what people think when they see her, she isn’t his daughter. Clayton and I had a baby years ago. I was pregnant and he wasn’t ready and neither was I. I terminated it, selfishly without even asking him. I told him about it later, but looking back. I wish I would have kept it. I told you, Clayton and I have this undefinable relationship. There isn’t a word for what we mean to each other. Anyway, being with his family felt like home. I didn’t feel out-of-place or judged. It has never been like that with Robert’s family. With Clayton’s family it felt normal. His mother said something about wanting grandchildren, I wanted to scream out “I want to have Clayton babies!” Every opportunity we had to be alone, we grabbed and touched each other. I was waiting for the opportunity to kiss him, his kisses are pure satisfaction.
I kept asking myself why this is the part of my life that I have to live in secret. How long am I going to keep lying? How long can we pretend? Every stolen moment this Thanksgiving, I was thankful for. I was thankful that I spent this time with this man who I love so deeply. I have always loved him. I don’t want it to stop. So why am I married to his friend?! I like Robert, I love Clayton. I know it. Being with Robert feels forced, being with Clayton feels normal. As I got ready for bed, I stared at my phone… wanting it to buzz. Maybe Clayton would call. Maybe he would say come to him. Maybe he would say he needed to see me one last time before he went to sleep…My phone did buzz…. But it was Robert…. not Clayton.
mycatbarks 