Know Thyself? The Analysis

This picture has been reproduced by kind permission of stormthorgerson.com.

Ray Proper, 29

Know Thyself… And then what?
Should I focus only on the Light as if the dark has no relevance? Should I shield the world from my jagged edges and position my life out of harms way of them? Should I spend my days guarding the door to my anxieties, deflecting every postman that comes knocking? Knock. Knock.

Return to Sender…
I often wonder how many messages I’ve missed. But because my lights are still on and my car isn’t repossessed, I’m convinced those letters must not be that damn important, I mean my life hasn’t changed a bit. Then again… my life hasn’t changed. A bit.

The Never Changing Story.
This one has no lucky flying dog. Instead mine is a tale of repetition. Characters change, yet the outcome remains; Me, inside my bubble. And them, outside trying to pop it… identify it… become one with it… continuously bumping, stumbling and crashing into its stinging electricity. Subliminal force field, penetrable only by conscious mind. 3rd eyes peeking through my disguise.

Can You See Me?
Can you recognize my flaws? Can you read between my layers? Handle me in my raw? I drive my own self crazy. I cringe at the thought of what I may do to you. And when it all falls down, I seem to have no remorse because I just knew it would happen. Suspected it would happen. Reserved a piece of me just for when it would happen. Prepared myself in secrecy, secretly giving only fractions of me while you remain whole. While you remain bold in the face of possibilities. Content with not knowing, still eager to keep going. I stand in awe at how you don’t seem to fright. So to prove that I’m right, I dub you as naive… how else could you believe this will end well? Tick. Tock.

Time Will Tell.
The tick tock feels like torture. Waiting for the inevitable end, so tempted to release the storm inside to help it begin. What am I doing here, with you? Killing time while time kills me. The more beautiful these bonds get, the more burdened I become. Baggage disguised as luggage, I tell them I’m moving on. And they believe me. As if it could ever be true. Cuz when I’m asked what love is to me, all I can think of is you, you… and You.

The You Know Who.
We’ve all got that one. The one we blame it all on. The one that shattered our dream of happily ever after turned reality. The one shit got real with. I mean before you, I had no insecurities. Before you, I had no doubt. Trust issues were things I’d only heard about. Before you, love would always conquer all, because true love is most powerful, because all you need is love, because love is the solution. Before you, sunshine, flowers, butterflies and rainbows… unicorns, puppies, fairies and Santa Claus.

But Santa Isn’t Real.
And I’m still pissed about it. That fairytale love dream, popped like balloons and needles. Like corn in microwaves. Like Boogaloo Shrimp and Fik Shun. Reality welcomed me with open wounds, time blessed me with slow healing scars, and I found myself to be the only remnant of the aftermath. A cold heart in a warm body. Walking amongst the living. No wonder I flee so quickly when they try to get close. Miss me with that love stuff, no matter how deeply I long for it. Out of fear of having my light snatched away, I choose to live in the dark. In retrospect, I guess that’s why they never see me..

So know thyself huh. Ok, done. Isn’t knowledge supposed to be power? What do I do now.

…To be continued.

No Woman No Cry

engraved-wedding-ring-12

Sylvia, 46
Philadelphia

I always knew that I would be married at some point in my life. Marriage runs deep on both sides of my family… that didn’t mean that I was supposed to get married. It didn’t mean that I was supposed to follow THEIR footsteps.
In hindsight, I FORCED my ex-husband to marry me. I know, it sounds crazy but he wasn’t ready. Just a few years prior to getting married, he lost his mother. The only true friend and woman he ever loved. He loved me also but he was filling in a void that could never be replaced. Looking back, he just wanted to do the “right thing”, what his mother would have wanted. She liked me, in fact, the only date he wanted to get married on, was his mother’s birthday! Should have been a clue. He walked through the remainder of our marriage in a fog and not shedding a tear, so I thought. He wasn’t ready. Ready to be a husband because he needed to become the man he needed to be without his mother. I wouldn’t take back the experience, but I’m definitely slower to speak and unapologetic for staring into people’s eyes.

A Penny For My Thoughts

I actually enjoy going fishing, although I won’t dare take the fish off the hook.
I’m addicted to avocados, ginger, popcorn and raisinets, the beach, resilience, The Sims, and laughter.
I laugh a lot, and no I’m not masking sadness, it’s how I kill my sadness.
I’m not afraid to say “I don’t know.”
There will be at least one person in my life, where if I disappeared, they will know what happened because they have sat even in the deepest seats of my thoughts. I can’t keep my own secrets and I don’t prefer to.
I daydream as much as an adult as I did as a child because sometimes reality sucks.
I’m kind of a hoarder, but in a Mr. Clean type of way, so you only know because I’m telling you. Contrary to my hoarding, I do so to give, and sometimes sell.
Sometimes I write stories backwards and read articles from the end to the beginning. It just works for me.
I judge books by the introduction. I don’t necessarily stop reading but I’m silently disappointed before even finishing the book…expectations.
I’ve dated a good bit but have only been in a few relationships. I’ve developed good friendships with my partners, which is probably why we are still good friends, except for one.
Sometimes I can burn your ear off with conversation but I also have an appreciation for a comfortable silence, which I’ve learned, can only be shared with people that trust you and are grateful with just your presence.
I’ve learned to observe and question with a curious mind and listen with an open heart.
Flowers are pretty, but I’d prefer chocolate covered fruit.
Working with children is my passion. “It’s easier to build strong children than it is to repair broken men”- Frederick Douglas. I love a good quote and this is one of my favorites.
Let me tell you how actually working with children is only about 30% of my work and 70% paperwork, emails and harassing other people for paperwork… Hate it.
I enjoy tuna sandwiches with jelly on the bread, fried fish and pound cake, bananas and eggs, and I can eat avocados with anything.
I can be selfish, sometimes I feel like I have to be or else I’d lose my sanity, so I won’t answer the phone… #guilty.
I would give an ex another chance but you only have one time to mess up my money. Financial security is important to me, so is love.
I always look for the light at the end of the tunnel. When I can see it, it encourages me too keep going.
I have cared for 7 foster daughters over the past 4 years. It’s never been a cake walk but I am truly grateful for what I’ve learned from them. They’ve taught me that loving someone is not about meeting your own needs. I’ve learned patience… PATIENCE.
I’m a morning person because it’s when my brain works best. I can think clearly before the day muddles my mind.
I have to sleep with socks on when I sleep alone. My feet are always cold.
Before I knew any better, I enjoyed politics. I think most of us begin with good intentions, but politicking all too often has a way of polluting the soul.
Sometimes I watch or think about something that I know will make me sad because I need a good cry. I always feel cleansed after a good cry.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned within the past year and has been so beneficial to me this year is objectivity; to see things as they are without our own mental nodes, bias, and prejudice. It has opened so many lanes of communication and learning experiences. It has also decreased my stress levels… believe it or not, my nerves are bad, and that’s why I can’t stand chaos. FIN

Little White Lie Part 2

-Betty Boop, 35

When Clayton calls I always answer… Always. I hate that about him. He has this hold over me. Whether it’s by choice or not. So I’m lying there in my bed, Robert has already gone to Thanksgiving breakfast with his family, I wasn’t invited. *Kanye shrugs* My phone is buzzing, I watched it ring and refused to answer. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to know that I was alone, and lonely. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t longing for him. I wanted to pretend I was busy, enjoying my day with family and friends. In essence, I wanted to lie to him, but I don’t lie to Clayton, EVER… So I sent Clayton to voicemail. I didn’t dare touch the phone, I may have answered it out of habit. So I just watched it ring. I felt a certain victory over doing it. I know, I’m so petty, LOL, but I did it! I resisted Clayton… That was until he called again and I answered it. He was checking on me. He knows this holiday time is very important to me and I love this time of year! I love holidays, gift giving, cheerfulness, and all that jazz.

Unfortunately, since my mom passed, I am displaced from my family. I long for family. I love watching people tell of crazy aunts, or close cousins, and family traditions. I just love it. After I told him I was staying in today because I was in a mood, he invited me to eat with his family. What?! Is he crazy, eat with his mom, sister and father. I was hesitant and didn’t want to impose. More importantly I didn’t want them to figure out I was in love with him. People you’re close to can always see things that you try to hide. I didn’t even consider Robert when I decided to go. He had to work today so I was going to be lonely anyway. He was also on my shit list for accepting an invitation to family breakfast that excluded me. WTF! He wonders why I don’t feel like this marriage is purposeful.

I pulled up to his sister’s apartment and waited for a bit, because Clayton is always late. When he got there, my heart fluttered like a school girl. He is so sexy to me. The way he speaks to me, and looks at me with such deep passion. I wasn’t sure how we were playing this… Am I going to be introduced as his God-daughter’s mother, his longtime friend, or the dreadful wife of Robert? I hate when people introduce me as the wife of… as if I don’t have an existence. Anyway, I was nervous at first and wasn’t sure about this situation. Each step I took I almost wanted to turn around and run away. But Clayton made me feel comfortable. He included me in conversations and his sister and mother were people I could totally be friends with. I even asked his mother to show me some of her recipes. We laughed, played games, and they watched Clayton interact with my girls. I kept thinking, I should have married Clayton, not Robert. I know I am so in love with him, why did I settle. WHYYY! I watched my daughters cling to him, and listen to him. See Clayton has always been like a father to my daughters.

My oldest was 18 months when I divorced my first husband, and I was pregnant with my second. The only male they have ever known was Clayton. My oldest loves him as if he is her father. Contrary to what people think when they see her, she isn’t his daughter. Clayton and I had a baby years ago. I was pregnant and he wasn’t ready and neither was I. I terminated it, selfishly without even asking him. I told him about it later, but looking back. I wish I would have kept it. I told you, Clayton and I have this undefinable relationship. There isn’t a word for what we mean to each other. Anyway, being with his family felt like home. I didn’t feel out-of-place or judged. It has never been like that with Robert’s family. With Clayton’s family it felt normal. His mother said something about wanting grandchildren, I wanted to scream out “I want to have Clayton babies!” Every opportunity we had to be alone, we grabbed and touched each other. I was waiting for the opportunity to kiss him, his kisses are pure satisfaction.

I kept asking myself why this is the part of my life that I have to live in secret. How long am I going to keep lying? How long can we pretend? Every stolen moment this Thanksgiving, I was thankful for. I was thankful that I spent this time with this man who I love so deeply. I have always loved him. I don’t want it to stop. So why am I married to his friend?! I like Robert, I love Clayton. I know it. Being with Robert feels forced, being with Clayton feels normal. As I got ready for bed, I stared at my phone… wanting it to buzz. Maybe Clayton would call. Maybe he would say come to him. Maybe he would say he needed to see me one last time before he went to sleep…My phone did buzz…. But it was Robert…. not Clayton.

Little White Lie Part 1

-Betty Boop, 35

November 15, 2015

I have always considered myself a truthful person. In retrospect, I’m thinking what does that even mean?!?! Does that mean I NEVER told a lie…Or I Never told an intentional, hurtful lie…? Or maybe that means I tell blunt truths to avoid a lie. It doesn’t really matter anyway because as of today… I have lied. I told this little teeny weeny lie that has now spun ridiculously out of control, almost to the point that I am living a completely double life. The two lives separately are as true as the morning sun when it graces your face for the first time after a restful night. So here is the lie…I am NOT madly in love with two people! BOOM! I said it. Now it’s out there! I cannot take it back and frankly, I don’t want to. That is the honest truth. I have been keeping these thoughts to myself until now.

He, Clayton, texted me this morning at 8:36 am. It was strange because he’s not a morning person. My husband, Robert, was still sleeping next to me, so I didn’t read the message. I smiled knowing that I was his first thought when he woke up. I looked over at my husband and I must have been smiling really hard because he started to smile at me. “Good morning beautiful” he whispered, and I got happier because he pulled me close. I thought in my mind, “How can my heart love two men?” I think about Robert and Clayton as if they are one. At any given time I can be looking at either of them and not be sure which one I am speaking to. However, Clayton, well… he is my first love. I swear when Jazmine Sullivan wrote “in love with another man” she was talking about Clayton and I. We have this magic between us that is very hard to capture into words. I can’t for the life of me explain it. But anyway Clayton wanted to meet me this night, so I told him, what I always tell him…Yes. My Sunday was normal. Church. Movies. Mall. Then on the way home I stopped at our spot and met up with him. He needed one of his note books that he left in my car from the last time we met up. I promised myself that I was going to give him the book, polite candor, and then leave. THAT was it! Unfortunately, that was nowhere close to what happened. I saw him, that chocolate skin, those brown eyes, and those lips! UGH!!!! He was sitting in the chair like a King on his thrown. The way his eyes light up when he sees me is so genuine. He smiles so broadly. He always greets me with a hug, and waits until I let go before he does. I sat down in front of him. The coffee shop was busy for a late Sunday evening, but in my mind nobody was there but Clayton and myself. I must have let him say about 5 or 6 words before I leaned in and kissed him.

The L Word Part III

What if we were human, incapable of perfection, short tempered, opinionated and quick to judge. Does your daughter know you favor her sister? Did you switch a higher price tag for a lower price tag on a bottle of expensive wine? Did you lie to your partner about going to work at a job you just lost? Does your best friend know that you slept with his/her ex? Did you put back the petty cash you promised to replace at work?

August 4, 2015

I cried today. I cried because I felt sad and heartbroken. I learned the woman I’d thought I would marry, let’s call her Tasha, she doesn’t feel the same for me. Well she did in the beginning but now she’d rather I act as if she were dead. Tasha made it very clear verbally and emotionally that she had mentally checked out of our relationship just a couple of months in. Somewhere else in her mind she tried to make it work and expected growth during the remainder of our relationship.

I have a habit of shutting down and walking away when I’m overwhelmed. It’s not because I want the relationship to end, I just need time to process my thoughts, alone. I had trouble with expressing myself early on because I wasn’t comfortable and it takes time for me to open up sometimes, so I was a mute and non-communicative when I became frustrated. It didn’t help that i’m a very visual learner and she lived 300 miles away, our whole short-lived, 7 month relationship. When I became comfortable after checking myself and realizing we are both human beings, I began unfolding. Then I was narrow-minded, non-receptive, still non-communicative, non-attentive, I only wanted things done the way I wanted them done, I was arrogant, my way of connecting left a bit to be desired, I was an asshole, and a knucklehead among other things…I dare not push her to the point of attacking my values, friendships and relationships as she so clearly shared she was capable of doing… She is a very intelligent woman but Tasha seemed very comfortable with making statements and asserting opinions on situations she had no experience with or knowledge of, including myself. I kept asking myself, what did I do wrong? If she felt all these things about me why did she want to be with me? Then I thought again, and I asked myself if she felt all of these things about me why the hell did I want to be with her?!

Please tell me more about the therapy I need or how some of the dynamics I’ve clung to aren’t conducive to MY PERSONAL growth. It’s mine. Tell me how expressing my feelings equates to me trying to feel unaffected and stroking my own ego. Tell me how I’m good at teaching my girls about hygiene and cleanliness but as far as substance…300 miles away… Tell me more about me! Obviously I lack the insight and self-awareness, so instead of asking me, observing me, listening to me, you take my feelings, experiences, perspectives and overwrite them with your own.

I’d been GASLIGHTED…that’s really a thing! Simply put, manipulated and verbally beat down for the sake of power opposed to understanding another. In Tasha’s mind, maybe she thought she was encouraging and supporting me, but mostly lacked objectivity and jumped to conclusions about what she thought of me instead of just asking me, about me, which I religiously suggested. Apparently “gaslighting does not require deliberate plotting, it only requires a belief that it is acceptable to overwrite another person’s reality. We learn to manipulate each other very naturally.” I pride myself in being able to adjust to change, but had never felt like I had to trade my reality with someone else’s until now. There will always be room for improvement, but I like me, a lot. Your partner should too and not only when you agree with their perspectives and opinions or when their ego approves of your behavior.

Fact is, there are 7 billion humans on earth, I fell in love…quickly, surprisingly, and undoubtedly with just 1. That didn’t mean I would not make mistakes, crawl back into my shell, and get frustrated when we argued. It meant that I would consistently work at becoming a better me/partner. I learned quickly, that loving someone is not all about meeting our own needs. One’ness takes time, at least for me so trust and dedication to commitment is imperative to build a relationship on. Despite our failed attempts to reconcile, I’m still in love with Tasha, not Tasha’s ego that I’d been introduced to. I find it hard to let her go because I still have hope, but she broke my heart, and I’ve learned to deal with my feelings instead of acting as if they don’t exist, knowing they will eventually change; such as life. It goes on.

Cant Promise I Wont Break the Rules

“Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly”- Dalai Lama

I can remember as early as 4 years old, my cousins and I were not able to use the oven of course. We shouldn’t have been so close to the kerosene heater either. However it was out in the open to heat our house, so what else would we use to satisfy our cravings for cookies? The kerosene heater, yes, we set foil on top of the heater and baked cookies! At 4 I probably didn’t recognize the taste of kerosene over cookies. Fortunately, the house didn’t catch fire, we didn’t catch fire, and the cookies were awesome from what I remember.

*Don’t try that at home*

Even just a few years later, instead of using the stove we learned to just run the water really hot so that we could still enjoy our oatmeal, when there were no adults around to make it for us.
I was in the 5th grade when my cousin and I decided that it was a good idea for me to come to her school and get her out with an early dismissal. She was in the 4th grade. I don’t even remember how I got past the office and to her classroom alone, but I did. There I was standing in front of her teacher, who I remember looking a lot like Bill Nye the Science Guy. I was probably about 4’11” and had different color barrettes and ballies in my hair…

“I’m here to pick up Chanell ******.”

Surprisingly he let her go (early 90’s) but I frowned when I saw the jeering smirk on his face because I meant business!

Well this phenomenon has lasted well into my adult years. Even as I have flipped through the pages of my partner’s journal….Face palm… I certainly found what I was looking for. I’ve learned to find exceptions to the rule in order to get what I want and to live how I’d prefer to live. I know why rules exist, and I don’t just go around looking for rules to break but there will not always be a more appropriate time and place for integrity, empathy, honesty, security, authenticity, morality…the list goes on and those necessities in life aren’t always found on our full plate of rules.

Let Me Explain…*Kevin Hart voice

Let me explain… My intentions were good lol… in other words I didn’t complete the entire 32 acts of service, maybe 50%, maybe 30%. I can come up with a plethora of excuses, but I’ll spare you this time with sharing 5/32 acts of service…Anymore than 5 is beyond my attention span right now.

#3 Hand out study guides to students (knowledge is power)

Remember those plastic, colorful quick facts study sheets? I swiped them from a bookstore I used to work in while I was in college. They were 5 bucks a sheet! Just call me Peter Pan. I actually compiled a pretty elaborate study guide at the time. What I did this year was photo copy, package, then gave them to my middle an high school clients at work. See, I’m not so bad.

#11 Tip a grocery store bagger

Whenever I’m in a grocery store that provides baggers I always tip them, well when they are able to accept tips. In Bermuda that’s how tweens make a little money and learn some responsibility. They’re not on a payroll but they are hired by grocery stores to maintain a work schedule, pack bags and they keep their tips. Sounds pretty simple, but not in our sue nation.

#19 Plant a tree

So it wasn’t a tree, but I planted some green peppers! Talk about stoked!!! I planted them at the beginning of June and they are looking like stellar students, progressing quite nicely!

#12 Compliment at least 5 people

I’m not easily impressed, but I don’t have any issues giving out compliments. I honestly haven’t taken notes or recorded how often I complimented people because I just don’t find it necessary if it happens regularly.

#2 Call older family members to see if they need anything

I try to make a significant effort, even if it’s only once per month, to dry through and see if my older aunt need to go to the grocery store or simply just to sit and keep her company. I haven’t visited her in a while and the other day she called me. I thought she wanted something but she just called to say hi! #mydaywasmade

Table for 2

I just finished reading Paulo Coelho’s “Eleven Minutes” while waiting for my return flight to Philly. “Eleven Minutes” depicts the conflicting thoughts on love a young woman carries on her journey to reaching her dream.

I can’t help but to think about love in as many variations as possible. Love comes in so many packages and I embrace those packages as long as they are genuine, risky and passionate. I’ve never personally been at a place where love and my dreams have conflicted. In my mind they coincide with each other, one cultivates the other. There was one paragraph in the book that really jumped onto my back so of course I have to share it:

“You experienced pain yesterday and you discovered that it led to pleasure. You experienced it today and found peace. That’s why I’m telling you don’t get used to it, because it’s very easy to become habituated; it’s a very powerful drug. It’s in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifice we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it’s seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it, we human beings always find a way of being with pain, or flirting with it and making it a part of our lives.”

I can only speak for myself when I say despite my hardships I love the person I am and who I am becoming, but adversity is not a space I want to live in, look for, or equate with pleasure. I strive for love and happiness every day because adversity comes unsolicited, unwelcomed, and unexpected anyway. People endure unasked for pain and suffering every day, no worries, our next turn is sure to come! With that said, I take no interest in asking for it as if it were my favorite bowl of cream of wheat. I only leave room for 2 at my table… Love and happiness. #WhatILearnedAsAnADult

-FM

PLAN B

One of my biggest fears is not being financially self-sufficient. This of course comes from my personal experiences. Martin A. Smith, president of Wealthcare Financial Group Inc. said it best, “looking at the African American community, a major area where we need to improve in order to strengthen our ability to create and sustain wealth is becoming financially literate.” Not just having the money but also knowing the 5W’s and 1h when it comes to spending, maintaining and investing it. I don’t plan to retire in debt. The only thing I plan on owing to society is service.

While I’m really only saving, clipping coupons, and selling goods online… the hustle is real! I’m learning how to diversify my portfolio, buying stock, property and learning about mutual funds. My frugalness often rubs off on friends and family but I’m also learning how to transfer the importance of financial literacy as well.

It’s nothing like a knowledgeable African American that can tell you about our culture back, front and sideways, but are piss pot poor, and can’t get the message any further than where it is because they don’t have access to secondary education or simply money to pay rent. Some of the most knowledgeable people I’ve met and had the deepest conversations with are not only poor but homeless. This breeds continuous generations of “shoulda, coulda, woulda, but didn’t” in the African American communities. During his keynote presentation for the Black Alliance for Educational Options Symposium, Dr. Steve Perry stated, “It’s not an achievement gap, it’s an access gap.” We have to get the doors open for our future generations, and keep them open. Plan B, for Better.

Reading articles, blogs and watching documentaries about money, entrepreneurship, health, education and lifestyles have become an addiction for me! Here are some of my favorite sites at the moment:

And a few informative people I follow on twitter

Martin A. Smith @wealthcarefginc

Dr. Steve Perry @DrStevePerry

Paulo Coelho @Paulocoelho

Michelle Rhee @Michellerhee

And lastly, a friend sent me this link to Mellody Hobson on TedxMidwest, financial literacy…She gained a whole new fan!

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And a few informative people I follow on twitter

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