Author: MyCatbarks

The L Word Part I

“I Carry you,
I pray for you more than I pray for myself,
When you’re away for more than an hour,
I cant stop thinking about you,
And when you smile, my world is alright.”

Totally stolen from Tyler Perry’s “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” but its how I feel! I’m in love with love!

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So its been 3 weeks, 1 day, 5hrs, and 5 minutes since I last saw her. Lets call “her” Bette. Bette message me on a dating website, in which I didn’t respond simply because she only had one photo posted that I wasn’t to fond of. Guess that sounds pretty shallow, but its true. It wasn’t until I was checking other messages that I found she had changed her profile picture and added several other pictures that I found pretty intriguing… So I messaged her back and that was the beginning of the end.

It was late summer, the perfect time to start dating. There was still time to eat outside and take long walks in the park, and that’s exactly what we did. The first month seemed great. Despite her mentioning her feelings for her co-worker a time or four. Lets call her co worker Tina. We sat over a full spread of Mexican deliciousness when I asked her why she felt the need to “mention” Tina as often as she did. To Bette’s surprise she felt she had only mentioned her once before, and just wanted to be honest. Maybe I was to Naïve to see she was already in love with Tina. Bette claimed she and Tina were never physically or romantically involved because Tina rejected her advance.

After a month of dating, Bette decided to stop dating me because she wanted to take some time to “find herself” What has she been doing for the past 31 years?! What I wanted to ask but didn’t dare. She explained her ups and downs, which lead me to respect her reasoning for doing so, but a month of solitude?? Whatever floats your boat…

I didn’t bother her, but surprisingly she texted and called pretty often, and popped up at my home a couple of times to surprise me? I honestly didn’t know how I felt about the situation but I enjoyed those moments anyway. After one month of solitude, November 1st to be exact, Bette called me and asked if we could “hang out” again. Sure, why not?! I enjoyed her company and cared a great deal about her at this point. I just wasn’t to sure about what to expect!

The L Word Part II

tumblr_mhfaipze7z1reut42o1_500Bette and I fell into a routine even more consistent than before. We spent several nights together throughout the week, we shared secrets and became very “comfortable”  with each other. Every couple of weeks, I noticed a mood shift, from happy to sad, confident to unassuming and self conscious…During these instances Bette would  state how she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but if we moved any slower, we wouldn’t be moving at all. She also  stated she wasn’t happy with herself and of course, but of course the reason was the infamous Tina.

I decided to fight past all the signs of why I needed to let her go and often convinced her to continue dating me!! Who does that?!! Certainly at that point…me. It didn’t feel good either, but my craving for immediate gratification took over my usually logical and perceptive self. Every time we went through this I felt like a little piece of my happiness was stolen….so why do it? I loved her, with all my heart and no brain. I actually still do, but enough to let her go when I realized I could not pull her into my peace, and new I didn’t want to be pulled into her storm. I realized that outside of what I wanted us to become and who I imagined her to be, there was no longer a reason to fight for her anymore. I love her as a person, but I was in love with a figment of my imagination. I imaged her to be some one who loved me as much as I loved them.

During what started off as a good weekend, Bette left her apartment for 20mins, in which I took to read her innermost thoughts. that’s  right, I read her journal, in search of something to confirm my thoughts and to make me angry…and I found just that. I had no remorse as I found what motivated me to get out of this situation. Bette loved me, but was not “in love” with me. She was in love with Tina. I didn’t have a fair shot from the beginning. I felt like she awakened my love without the intention of loving me back. I did thank her for that awakening. It had been years since I felt myself falling in love. It was to the point where I thought I may had been incapable of doing so again.

We both knew we need space, but neither wanted it, so we tried the “friendship” thing, which was short lived. After constantly hearing her speak so genuinely about Tina, I thought I was ok! At least until the weekend we decided to take a short trip to her parents home to go snowboarding over the weekend.  The ride back to her parents after snowboarding was bitter sweet. Bette was driving but it was obvious her mind was far gone. I asked he she cared to share what was on her mind, and you can guess who was the main character of her thoughts, Tina who mind fucked her, how Bette mind fucked me. It was at that point that I realized Bette would act funny towards me when Tina gave her just enough sugar to satisfy her craving. Bette went on to express how she was uncertain about whether she should make another move on Tina. She said some other things, but my mind ran away after that. Despite our new “friendship” why did she feel so comfortable about her boasting love for someone else so soon? Did she love me at all or was she just clueless?? Either way, “I need space” I uttered those words out of pure desperation to rid myself of the feelings I had. The next night of the trip couldn’t end soon enough. I wanted to start the process and get it over with.

We had only dated for 5 months, and on and off, but it seemed so long because of the ups and downs. I miss Bette, but not the situation, and  honestly at this point,  I hope things don’t work out of Bette and Tina. Its been 3 weeks, 1 day, 5hrs, and 20 minutes since we’ve seen each other, but who’s counting?

#WhatILearnedAsAnAdult

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So I have this social network friend named Redi W. He is the king of
#WhatILearnedAsAnAdult posts. I generally find his post relatable so I thought I’d share #WhatILearnedAsAnAdult with you guys 🙂

1) I often describe myself as being very simplistic. Life isn’t as smooth and simple as I would like it to be, and I tremendously appreciate the strength in resiliency. I have learned that making a few short-term goals and completing them over a short period makes me happier than making a long term goal and not being happy until I reach that goal later down road. My long term goal is to be happy, so by steadily maintaining fulfillment along the way, in a sense, I’m already there.

2) While we live in a capitalist society, our financial well being is placed in the hands of the highest bidder, so it is important for me to reassess my finances annually. The best financial security is being debt free, not owing anyone, so the closer I get to that point, the better off I am financially. I’m constantly looking to lower my homeowners insurance, car insurance, and looking to become more energy efficient, saving myself from having a panic attack when I open my electric bill. I’ve recently stream lined my mortgage to get a lower interest rate, which saves thousands over the life of the loan and a few extra dollars monthly.

3) I don’t ever want to be so religious that I miss the point. For me, the point being is the spiritual connection/relationship with God, and sharing the experiences and blessings across the board, not only with those who share the same faith, and without judging those that oppose it.

4) Good communication is key to any successful relationship. Everyone loves differently. If you don’t feel your love is reciprocated, it doesn’t necessarily mean that person doesn’t love you with all they have, you just may not share a similar experience of what love is. In either friendship or romantic relationship, spend time experiencing each other whole heartedly and with an open mind. Love is a subjective experience and can grow into easily complimenting others when you can understand each other.

5) Im still a kid a heart and the greatest gift I can give to myself, is being myself; changing what I don’t like and accepting what I cant change took years of practice. (Freeing your mind) Life experience is one of the best teachers and can be a great character builder. Whatever makes you happy, do it more often. Clearly if setting fires or grand theft rocks your world, this does not apply, but if someone makes you happy, see them more often. You get the point. While the only thing constant in this world is change, my motto is “its never to late to get brand new.”

My Entry for Ellen’s COVERGIRL Contest…

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So I entered Ellen’s  COVERGIRL contest and the question you had to answer was “How do you embody Strength, Beauty and Independence?” In 2000 characters. Unfortunately I didnt realize those characters included spaces until I was almost 2000 characters over the limit. I had to summarize everything I wrote below for Ellen but I felt the need to share with you guys 🙂

I used to think my life was abnormal until I got older, read and heard other people’s stories that made me feel that mine wasn’t all that bad. I’ve grown to learn that normalcy has no weight ,shape, of form in life, but nevertheless I like to share my story for healing and hopefully to help heal others.

In a nut shell, I sat in bars, worked, learned to shoot bb guns, been raped and molested by people I trusted the most, all before I turned 5 years old. It’s a curse and blessing to remember these events like they happened yesterday. In between living with different family members and raising myself for the first 5 years of m y life, I learned life skills that most people don’t learned until their late teenage years. My hair was always done, parts may have been crooked, but it was done. I was always clean and dressed, I may have had on corduroys in July, but I was dressed. I knew how to save money I made from making food deliveries under my pillow, only to have it stolen by my substance abusing mother. I’m able to joke about these things now because if my aunt didn’t rescue me, I may not have lived to tell a story at all.

My aunt was in her early 20’s when she asked me if I wanted to come live with her, and at 5, although I loved my mother, I knew I wasn’t in a good place, so I said yes.  She didn’t have much, but she gave me all she had, physically mentally, emotionally and spiritually. She sat nightly with me until I learned how to count straight to 20 without adding “teen” to 10, 11, and 12 and by the 3rd grade I knew multiplication and division like I knew my first and last name. I never lost a contest.  We read books nightly until I was reading for her and by my freshman year in college; my English professor decided he wouldn’t drop me for missing so many days because I had the highest average in the class (108%) J . I didn’t have the perfect “happily ever after”, but she provided me with a life of opportunity and planted the roots that guided me to make one of the best decisions of my life, which was to be “that somebody.”

I’ve worked in foster care and adoptions since I graduated from Temple University in 2007. Having worked with children that were going through the same and worse situations, I knew I had to do something, but what? So In 2009 I became a treatment level foster parent for tween/teen girls. It’s definitely not the easiest road, but I wouldn’t choose another. I’ve had 5 girls since then, a few returned home and a couple to a higher level of care. I’m known at the agency as a “last resort” home, so many of my girls have already been through several different homes, and have a laundry list of mental health and behavior issues. Experience isn’t the only teacher, but it’s one of the best, and it has allowed me to not only understand but relate to my girls. I do my best to create a supportive / loving environment, even through the constant battle of trust and yearning for their biological families. I can’t wait for summer vacation to take my now 14 year old on her first plane ride. Over last summer we visited the Jersey Shore. It was her first time on a beach and eating funnel cake.

My friends and family have been very supportive in the process and hoping that I will be able to provide permanency one day soon. I may not be able to party every weekend, and probably won’t have a valentine again this year lol, but I can’t seem to find any part of me that regrets this journey.  I found the secret to buying more time in life, it’s not to waste it. #PayitForward #EllenShow lol J thanks for reading

Click the link If you would like to enter: LOVE ELLEN

America…Son of a Gun

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In Lieu of the recent tragic shootings at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut, I thought Michael Moore’s “Bowling for Columbine (2002)” to be an appropriate documentary to share for those who missed it.

Synopsis

A look at America’s love affair with firearms and the pathology of violence in the United States, which as a country, has the highest gun-murder rate in the world. The question of why Canada–with 7 million guns for its total of 10 million households–doesn’t suffer from the same horrific gun violence, that its large neighbor to the south experiences, is examined.

I think Chris Rock said it best. “ If a bullet cost $5,000 there wouldn’t be anymore innocent bystanders”-Chris Rock

What I’ve learned as an adult: The media is good for four things, promoting fear, panic, anxiety and encouraging delusions of grandeur. Seriously who doesn’t want to be prepared to battle Magneto or be the last one standing after the zombie apocalypse?!

Moore points out that Canada, with an estimated ten million homes in 2002, seven million of which had fire arms, but still the homicide rate per year was less than 10% of America’s. The second amendment to the U.S. constitution protects the right of the people to keep and bear arms, and to use that arm for traditionally lawful purposes. I for one, am in favor of one being able to do so, but what about the 27 innocent lives that were taken at Sandy Hook, the 12 lives in the Colorado theater shooting, or the 13 lives lost in the Columbine shooting and countless others? The shooters are said to have mental health issues. What constitutes mental health?…Or lack there of…

I would have to agree with James Taylor when he stated in his book “Secret O’ Life (1977)” “Even though many of us don’t suffer from a diagnosable  mental disorder, it is clear that some of us are mentally healthier than others. Taylor mentioned 1) “The secret of life is enjoying the passing of time. The ability to enjoy life is essential to good mental health.” 2) “Resilience; having the ability to bounce back from an adverse situation.” He also mentioned  “some people often set themselves up for added stress by the rigid expectations that they hold. Working on making our expectations more flexible can improve our mental health.” There is no destination for mental health, it’s a journey that requires constant reflection and self actualization. There are many variables that define mental health, these are just a few at the top of my list that Taylor used to do so.

We have to invest in our future generation. It is predicted by The World Health Organization (WHO) that by 2030 more people will suffer with depression than any other health problem.  We have some children that are genetically predisposed to mental illness, in which we know to watch for, but we also have children in our lives that are suffering in silence for various reasons, scared into conforming to “societal norms” and continuing to fold under significant peer pressures. Even when we agree to disagree, its important that we teach our children that its ok to be/feel and have experienced differently whether we are accepting or just tolerating…I was once told that silence is what makes trauma so traumatizing. Get in tune with our children, with ourselves. Don’t let trauma drown you from the inside out, it should never literally mean the end of the world for anyone.

Here’s an intersting article I read this morning from the Huffington Post: “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother”

R.I.P to all the innocent lives taken in these tragic incidences.

Why You Should Help…

 

– Because on picture day, my grand mom and aunt made sure my cousins had on  new clothes, and their hair was done nice… my mom  didn’t do that for me.

– Because my parents couldn’t explain how I suffered two leg fractures before I turned a year old.

– Because my mom kept me a secret. She visited me a few times but decided she’d rather party and travel than take care of me.

– Because my father, fathered my daughter, whom I gave up for adoption.

– Because I was conceived through rape, and my mother left me in the hospital after I  was born.

– Because I was born with H.I.V.  and no one was there to make sure I took my  medication. I almost died because my levels were so high.

– Because our mom was our sole provider until she passed away.

– Because I know how crack smells but I never learned to read and write.

– Because my mom thought putting me in foster care would teach me a lesson.

– Because its already to late for me. My step mom’s physical abuse eventually lead to my passing.

After my forth year of working in child welfare I decided to become a foster parent. Not having any prior experience with raising children, I was terrified and excited at the same time. Now, six years in child welfare and five foster children, I cant imagine a more fulfilling experience.

Happier At Home

In 2009 I bought my first home…Which is still my only home, it just sounded good. Amid what was considered by many economists to be the worst financial crisis since the Great depression of the 1930s, I found my place of refuge…

I managed to save up over $5000 to furnish and decorate…At least I thought. In the thick of the financial crisis, budget cuts severed the promising grant money I would receive through first time home buyer programs, which would have covered the majority of the closing costs. The awesome loan officer I had, Carol B. quickly became my therapist/loan officer. There were days I cried over the phone with her about disputing credit issues, my living situation, and feeling completely stressed and overwhelmed about the whole process. Refusing to allow me to back out, she assured me that I would get the full 6% sellers assist, which wiped some of my pity away. I received a call from the underwriter the day before Christmas of 2008 letting me know I was approved for the home loan. If I hadn’t received anything else for Christmas, I was more than ok with that. I can remember falling to my knees in tears of joy, wondering if this was the happiest moment of my life thus far.

Surprisingly, It didn’t take very long to find my new addition. I had been searching and researching homes, percentages, taxes, and insurance to the point where I could calculate monthly mortgages in my head in a matter of seconds. After several disappointments, and hoped for homes under contract, my close friend Jackie M.  pushed me toward a home she knew waited for me. It was newly renovated, pretty much straight through, 3 bedroom, 2 bedroom after I added my closet, laundry room on the main floor, thank God…I made the decision to put in an offer on the spot.

Apparently, a well known “under” appraiser was sent out, which heavily worked in my favor. Not only did we settle for less than the house was worth, but if the seller decided not to accept my offer, he would have had to wait another 6 months before he could receive another appraisal and be able to sell at a higher price. Needless to say in March of 2009 I had to wait until my paycheck hit my account before settlement. After paying inspection, appraisal, deposit and settlement fees, every account balance read $0.00. I had never been so happy to be so broke in my life.

The walls were bare, I had no furniture, no food, and I lived off a credit card until I got into the groove of things. I would just stare at the commercial flooring and flat painted walls gratefully and with dignity. I always felt like angels watched over me, but they really did it this time. I filed an addendum to my previous years taxes and in just a few months, June of 2009 I received  that bluish-green and yellow treasury check for $8000, thanks to Obama’s housing tax credit 😀 I was able to fully furnish and pay off the debt I had accumulated. Almost four years in, I still don’t have bedroom curtains over the blinds, but they’ll make my list soon enough.

I titled this post after a book im currently reading called “Happier at Home” by Gretchen Rubin. This insert from her book is exactly how I feel about my home. “My home should calm me and energize me. It should be a comforting, quiet refuge and a place of excitement and possibility. It should call to my mind the past, the present, and the future. It should be a snuggery of privacy  and reflection, but also a gathering place that strengthened my engagement with other people. By making me feel safe, it should embolden me to take risk. I wanted a feeling of home so strong that no matter where I went, I would take that feeling with me.” Rubin borrowed those feelings from me and put them on paper. I honestly thought I was pretty self centered for harboring all those emotions about some THING…I’m not…

Extreme Makeover- Ortho Edition

I had a dream…Correction, I often have dreams that my teeth are falling out. When I posted this of Facebook, I received three comments that stood out.  One from a guy I didn’t really know but just added him anyway. He said that he just feels retarded until he wakes up. Does he really?(in my sarcastic voice) One of my friends said she has the same dreams that concern her, so she looked them up online. What she found stated “subconsciously you are afraid of change,” primarily with getting older and stuff. I had just cut my hair at the time, down to ¼ inch because I didn’t feel like doing it anymore. I must do a good job at getting dressed in the dark because it always appears to make some sort of fashion statement. Dear mother, you are the reason for my gym membership. I am genetically inclined to be 5’4”, 300lbs by the time I turn thirty. Another friend suggested that “you’re on some type of journey, but worried about if others will accept you or how they will perceive you. Well I’m definitely on a journey, its called life. And to think I just thought those dreams were due to my extreme fear of losing my teeth. Go figure.