Tag: family

Little White Lie Part 2

4cb034f5d67155ab014170e64e20338a-Betty Boop, 35

When Clayton calls I always answer… Always. I hate that about him. He has this hold over me. Whether it’s by choice or not. So I’m lying there in my bed, Robert has already gone to Thanksgiving breakfast with his family, I wasn’t invited. *Kanye shrugs* My phone is buzzing, I watched it ring and refused to answer. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to know that I was alone, and lonely. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t longing for him. I wanted to pretend I was busy, enjoying my day with family and friends. In essence, I wanted to lie to him, but I don’t lie to Clayton, EVER… So I sent Clayton to voicemail. I didn’t dare touch the phone, I may have answered it out of habit. So I just watched it ring. I felt a certain victory over doing it. I know, I’m so petty, LOL, but I did it! I resisted Clayton… That was until he called again and I answered it. He was checking on me. He knows this holiday time is very important to me and I love this time of year! I love holidays, gift giving, cheerfulness, and all that jazz.

Unfortunately, since my mom passed, I am displaced from my family. I long for family. I love watching people tell of crazy aunts, or close cousins, and family traditions. I just love it. After I told him I was staying in today because I was in a mood, he invited me to eat with his family. What?! Is he crazy, eat with his mom, sister and father. I was hesitant and didn’t want to impose. More importantly I didn’t want them to figure out I was in love with him. People you’re close to can always see things that you try to hide. I didn’t even consider Robert when I decided to go. He had to work today so I was going to be lonely anyway. He was also on my shit list for accepting an invitation to family breakfast that excluded me. WTF! He wonders why I don’t feel like this marriage is purposeful.

I pulled up to his sister’s apartment and waited for a bit, because Clayton is always late. When he got there, my heart fluttered like a school girl. He is so sexy to me. The way he speaks to me, and looks at me with such deep passion. I wasn’t sure how we were playing this… Am I going to be introduced as his God-daughter’s mother, his longtime friend, or the dreadful wife of Robert? I hate when people introduce me as the wife of… as if I don’t have an existence. Anyway, I was nervous at first and wasn’t sure about this situation. Each step I took I almost wanted to turn around and run away. But Clayton made me feel comfortable. He included me in conversations and his sister and mother were people I could totally be friends with. I even asked his mother to show me some of her recipes. We laughed, played games, and they watched Clayton interact with my girls. I kept thinking, I should have married Clayton, not Robert. I know I am so in love with him, why did I settle. WHYYY! I watched my daughters cling to him, and listen to him. See Clayton has always been like a father to my daughters.

My oldest was 18 months when I divorced my first husband, and I was pregnant with my second. The only male they have ever known was Clayton. My oldest loves him as if he is her father. Contrary to what people think when they see her, she isn’t his daughter. Clayton and I had a baby years ago. I was pregnant and he wasn’t ready and neither was I. I terminated it, selfishly without even asking him. I told him about it later, but looking back. I wish I would have kept it. I told you, Clayton and I have this undefinable relationship. There isn’t a word for what we mean to each other. Anyway, being with his family felt like home. I didn’t feel out-of-place or judged. It has never been like that with Robert’s family. With Clayton’s family it felt normal. His mother said something about wanting grandchildren, I wanted to scream out “I want to have Clayton babies!” Every opportunity we had to be alone, we grabbed and touched each other. I was waiting for the opportunity to kiss him, his kisses are pure satisfaction.

I kept asking myself why this is the part of my life that I have to live in secret. How long am I going to keep lying? How long can we pretend? Every stolen moment this Thanksgiving, I was thankful for. I was thankful that I spent this time with this man who I love so deeply. I have always loved him. I don’t want it to stop. So why am I married to his friend?! I like Robert, I love Clayton. I know it. Being with Robert feels forced, being with Clayton feels normal. As I got ready for bed, I stared at my phone… wanting it to buzz. Maybe Clayton would call. Maybe he would say come to him. Maybe he would say he needed to see me one last time before he went to sleep…My phone did buzz…. But it was Robert…. not Clayton.

Life As Of 2013…

On work…2013.road_-e1358439868371

“It is a working man who is the happy man. It is the idle man who is the miserable man.”- Benjamin Franklin

I’ll take bullshit for $800 Ben. I get what you’re saying, but I don’t buy lottery tickets for nothing, and no I’d never get bored. I love my job, I do, everything besides getting there by 9am, completing paperwork and having a boss, in that order. Honestly I can’t get away from working with all my babies. If it wasn’t a conflict of interest, I’d take half of them home with me. The connection built with them seems most rewarding for both parties, so if that’s considered work, then I guess I’m a happy man!

On finance…

“Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it’s just the opposite.”- John Galbraith

Simply put, whether you live in America or China, guinea pigs, grab your wheels and get to running. My financial goal for 2014 is to pay all my monthly expenses with one pay check. I’ve gotten better, but my spoiled American ego still wants more than what I need. I love watching “Extreme Cheapskate,” and no I don’t plan on wiping my booty with cloth then washing and reusing it instead of toilet paper, nor do I plan on dumpster diving for food, but it does make me more conscious about my spending habits. I’m doing better than last year Ha! That counts.

On family…

“In every conceivable manner the family is the link to our past, bridge to our future.’” – Alex Haley

I recently had a conversation with my cousins about family secrets we may have been too young to learn about as children and how these secrets can create generational deterioration. When you understand the origin of a situation it may not totally prevent you from having to be raised by your grandmother instead of your parents, or stop Uncle Ricky from smoking crack, or keep cousin Rochelle from being promiscuous, but understanding the origin of the situation can help you deal with some of the implications, in turn, allowing you to prepare for better. You don’t get to choose your family and lord knows I try to maintain good relationships but sometimes you learn to love them from a distance, even if it’s your mother. It’s not ok for people to continuously hurt you, neither is it ok for you to continue to live in that place of hurt.

On friends…

“A friend to all is a friend to none.” –Aristotle

Impossible is an opinion, but trying to be genuine and trying to please everyone seems impossible. With so many personality traits, wants, and needs, one would have to spread themselves pretty thin trying to please everyone, taking away from what’s necessary to maintaining genuine relationships. Someone will always be disappointed, and that’s ok! To the friends that I do have, I may not like you all the time, but because you’re still here, I love you.

On love…

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.” Audrey Hepburn

If you are not willing to make a fool of yourself for love, you are wasting your time. I’m not saying be naïve, lose yourself, or keep playing a defective game, I’m saying get on that bull horn and profess your love, let the front desk tease you for showing up at the apartment for the fifth day in a row with a milkshake at 12am… When you become your own biggest fan, it becomes easier to recognize another whole heart and give without the fear of rejection. Because it is mostly our life experience that shape our perspective, when all else fails, you end up falling in love with someone that you almost gave up on, again and again, someone who’s love doesn’t match the picture you have in your head, but in learning each other, somehow it becomes compatible, someone you want to roundhouse kick sometimes, but you end up holding them instead…Yes, life, it goes on…IN 2014!!!