Know Thyself? The Analysis

This picture has been reproduced by kind permission of stormthorgerson.com.

Ray Proper, 29

Know Thyself… And then what?
Should I focus only on the Light as if the dark has no relevance? Should I shield the world from my jagged edges and position my life out of harms way of them? Should I spend my days guarding the door to my anxieties, deflecting every postman that comes knocking? Knock. Knock.

Return to Sender…
I often wonder how many messages I’ve missed. But because my lights are still on and my car isn’t repossessed, I’m convinced those letters must not be that damn important, I mean my life hasn’t changed a bit. Then again… my life hasn’t changed. A bit.

The Never Changing Story.
This one has no lucky flying dog. Instead mine is a tale of repetition. Characters change, yet the outcome remains; Me, inside my bubble. And them, outside trying to pop it… identify it… become one with it… continuously bumping, stumbling and crashing into its stinging electricity. Subliminal force field, penetrable only by conscious mind. 3rd eyes peeking through my disguise.

Can You See Me?
Can you recognize my flaws? Can you read between my layers? Handle me in my raw? I drive my own self crazy. I cringe at the thought of what I may do to you. And when it all falls down, I seem to have no remorse because I just knew it would happen. Suspected it would happen. Reserved a piece of me just for when it would happen. Prepared myself in secrecy, secretly giving only fractions of me while you remain whole. While you remain bold in the face of possibilities. Content with not knowing, still eager to keep going. I stand in awe at how you don’t seem to fright. So to prove that I’m right, I dub you as naive… how else could you believe this will end well? Tick. Tock.

Time Will Tell.
The tick tock feels like torture. Waiting for the inevitable end, so tempted to release the storm inside to help it begin. What am I doing here, with you? Killing time while time kills me. The more beautiful these bonds get, the more burdened I become. Baggage disguised as luggage, I tell them I’m moving on. And they believe me. As if it could ever be true. Cuz when I’m asked what love is to me, all I can think of is you, you… and You.

The You Know Who.
We’ve all got that one. The one we blame it all on. The one that shattered our dream of happily ever after turned reality. The one shit got real with. I mean before you, I had no insecurities. Before you, I had no doubt. Trust issues were things I’d only heard about. Before you, love would always conquer all, because true love is most powerful, because all you need is love, because love is the solution. Before you, sunshine, flowers, butterflies and rainbows… unicorns, puppies, fairies and Santa Claus.

But Santa Isn’t Real.
And I’m still pissed about it. That fairytale love dream, popped like balloons and needles. Like corn in microwaves. Like Boogaloo Shrimp and Fik Shun. Reality welcomed me with open wounds, time blessed me with slow healing scars, and I found myself to be the only remnant of the aftermath. A cold heart in a warm body. Walking amongst the living. No wonder I flee so quickly when they try to get close. Miss me with that love stuff, no matter how deeply I long for it. Out of fear of having my light snatched away, I choose to live in the dark. In retrospect, I guess that’s why they never see me..

So know thyself huh. Ok, done. Isn’t knowledge supposed to be power? What do I do now.

…To be continued.

No Woman No Cry

engraved-wedding-ring-12

Sylvia, 46
Philadelphia

I always knew that I would be married at some point in my life. Marriage runs deep on both sides of my family… that didn’t mean that I was supposed to get married. It didn’t mean that I was supposed to follow THEIR footsteps.
In hindsight, I FORCED my ex-husband to marry me. I know, it sounds crazy but he wasn’t ready. Just a few years prior to getting married, he lost his mother. The only true friend and woman he ever loved. He loved me also but he was filling in a void that could never be replaced. Looking back, he just wanted to do the “right thing”, what his mother would have wanted. She liked me, in fact, the only date he wanted to get married on, was his mother’s birthday! Should have been a clue. He walked through the remainder of our marriage in a fog and not shedding a tear, so I thought. He wasn’t ready. Ready to be a husband because he needed to become the man he needed to be without his mother. I wouldn’t take back the experience, but I’m definitely slower to speak and unapologetic for staring into people’s eyes.

Little White Lie Part 2

-Betty Boop, 35

When Clayton calls I always answer… Always. I hate that about him. He has this hold over me. Whether it’s by choice or not. So I’m lying there in my bed, Robert has already gone to Thanksgiving breakfast with his family, I wasn’t invited. *Kanye shrugs* My phone is buzzing, I watched it ring and refused to answer. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want him to know that I was alone, and lonely. I wanted to pretend I wasn’t longing for him. I wanted to pretend I was busy, enjoying my day with family and friends. In essence, I wanted to lie to him, but I don’t lie to Clayton, EVER… So I sent Clayton to voicemail. I didn’t dare touch the phone, I may have answered it out of habit. So I just watched it ring. I felt a certain victory over doing it. I know, I’m so petty, LOL, but I did it! I resisted Clayton… That was until he called again and I answered it. He was checking on me. He knows this holiday time is very important to me and I love this time of year! I love holidays, gift giving, cheerfulness, and all that jazz.

Unfortunately, since my mom passed, I am displaced from my family. I long for family. I love watching people tell of crazy aunts, or close cousins, and family traditions. I just love it. After I told him I was staying in today because I was in a mood, he invited me to eat with his family. What?! Is he crazy, eat with his mom, sister and father. I was hesitant and didn’t want to impose. More importantly I didn’t want them to figure out I was in love with him. People you’re close to can always see things that you try to hide. I didn’t even consider Robert when I decided to go. He had to work today so I was going to be lonely anyway. He was also on my shit list for accepting an invitation to family breakfast that excluded me. WTF! He wonders why I don’t feel like this marriage is purposeful.

I pulled up to his sister’s apartment and waited for a bit, because Clayton is always late. When he got there, my heart fluttered like a school girl. He is so sexy to me. The way he speaks to me, and looks at me with such deep passion. I wasn’t sure how we were playing this… Am I going to be introduced as his God-daughter’s mother, his longtime friend, or the dreadful wife of Robert? I hate when people introduce me as the wife of… as if I don’t have an existence. Anyway, I was nervous at first and wasn’t sure about this situation. Each step I took I almost wanted to turn around and run away. But Clayton made me feel comfortable. He included me in conversations and his sister and mother were people I could totally be friends with. I even asked his mother to show me some of her recipes. We laughed, played games, and they watched Clayton interact with my girls. I kept thinking, I should have married Clayton, not Robert. I know I am so in love with him, why did I settle. WHYYY! I watched my daughters cling to him, and listen to him. See Clayton has always been like a father to my daughters.

My oldest was 18 months when I divorced my first husband, and I was pregnant with my second. The only male they have ever known was Clayton. My oldest loves him as if he is her father. Contrary to what people think when they see her, she isn’t his daughter. Clayton and I had a baby years ago. I was pregnant and he wasn’t ready and neither was I. I terminated it, selfishly without even asking him. I told him about it later, but looking back. I wish I would have kept it. I told you, Clayton and I have this undefinable relationship. There isn’t a word for what we mean to each other. Anyway, being with his family felt like home. I didn’t feel out-of-place or judged. It has never been like that with Robert’s family. With Clayton’s family it felt normal. His mother said something about wanting grandchildren, I wanted to scream out “I want to have Clayton babies!” Every opportunity we had to be alone, we grabbed and touched each other. I was waiting for the opportunity to kiss him, his kisses are pure satisfaction.

I kept asking myself why this is the part of my life that I have to live in secret. How long am I going to keep lying? How long can we pretend? Every stolen moment this Thanksgiving, I was thankful for. I was thankful that I spent this time with this man who I love so deeply. I have always loved him. I don’t want it to stop. So why am I married to his friend?! I like Robert, I love Clayton. I know it. Being with Robert feels forced, being with Clayton feels normal. As I got ready for bed, I stared at my phone… wanting it to buzz. Maybe Clayton would call. Maybe he would say come to him. Maybe he would say he needed to see me one last time before he went to sleep…My phone did buzz…. But it was Robert…. not Clayton.

Little White Lie Part 1

-Betty Boop, 35

November 15, 2015

I have always considered myself a truthful person. In retrospect, I’m thinking what does that even mean?!?! Does that mean I NEVER told a lie…Or I Never told an intentional, hurtful lie…? Or maybe that means I tell blunt truths to avoid a lie. It doesn’t really matter anyway because as of today… I have lied. I told this little teeny weeny lie that has now spun ridiculously out of control, almost to the point that I am living a completely double life. The two lives separately are as true as the morning sun when it graces your face for the first time after a restful night. So here is the lie…I am NOT madly in love with two people! BOOM! I said it. Now it’s out there! I cannot take it back and frankly, I don’t want to. That is the honest truth. I have been keeping these thoughts to myself until now.

He, Clayton, texted me this morning at 8:36 am. It was strange because he’s not a morning person. My husband, Robert, was still sleeping next to me, so I didn’t read the message. I smiled knowing that I was his first thought when he woke up. I looked over at my husband and I must have been smiling really hard because he started to smile at me. “Good morning beautiful” he whispered, and I got happier because he pulled me close. I thought in my mind, “How can my heart love two men?” I think about Robert and Clayton as if they are one. At any given time I can be looking at either of them and not be sure which one I am speaking to. However, Clayton, well… he is my first love. I swear when Jazmine Sullivan wrote “in love with another man” she was talking about Clayton and I. We have this magic between us that is very hard to capture into words. I can’t for the life of me explain it. But anyway Clayton wanted to meet me this night, so I told him, what I always tell him…Yes. My Sunday was normal. Church. Movies. Mall. Then on the way home I stopped at our spot and met up with him. He needed one of his note books that he left in my car from the last time we met up. I promised myself that I was going to give him the book, polite candor, and then leave. THAT was it! Unfortunately, that was nowhere close to what happened. I saw him, that chocolate skin, those brown eyes, and those lips! UGH!!!! He was sitting in the chair like a King on his thrown. The way his eyes light up when he sees me is so genuine. He smiles so broadly. He always greets me with a hug, and waits until I let go before he does. I sat down in front of him. The coffee shop was busy for a late Sunday evening, but in my mind nobody was there but Clayton and myself. I must have let him say about 5 or 6 words before I leaned in and kissed him.

The L Word Part III

What if we were human, incapable of perfection, short tempered, opinionated and quick to judge. Does your daughter know you favor her sister? Did you switch a higher price tag for a lower price tag on a bottle of expensive wine? Did you lie to your partner about going to work at a job you just lost? Does your best friend know that you slept with his/her ex? Did you put back the petty cash you promised to replace at work?

August 4, 2015

I cried today. I cried because I felt sad and heartbroken. I learned the woman I’d thought I would marry, let’s call her Tasha, she doesn’t feel the same for me. Well she did in the beginning but now she’d rather I act as if she were dead. Tasha made it very clear verbally and emotionally that she had mentally checked out of our relationship just a couple of months in. Somewhere else in her mind she tried to make it work and expected growth during the remainder of our relationship.

I have a habit of shutting down and walking away when I’m overwhelmed. It’s not because I want the relationship to end, I just need time to process my thoughts, alone. I had trouble with expressing myself early on because I wasn’t comfortable and it takes time for me to open up sometimes, so I was a mute and non-communicative when I became frustrated. It didn’t help that i’m a very visual learner and she lived 300 miles away, our whole short-lived, 7 month relationship. When I became comfortable after checking myself and realizing we are both human beings, I began unfolding. Then I was narrow-minded, non-receptive, still non-communicative, non-attentive, I only wanted things done the way I wanted them done, I was arrogant, my way of connecting left a bit to be desired, I was an asshole, and a knucklehead among other things…I dare not push her to the point of attacking my values, friendships and relationships as she so clearly shared she was capable of doing… She is a very intelligent woman but Tasha seemed very comfortable with making statements and asserting opinions on situations she had no experience with or knowledge of, including myself. I kept asking myself, what did I do wrong? If she felt all these things about me why did she want to be with me? Then I thought again, and I asked myself if she felt all of these things about me why the hell did I want to be with her?!

Please tell me more about the therapy I need or how some of the dynamics I’ve clung to aren’t conducive to MY PERSONAL growth. It’s mine. Tell me how expressing my feelings equates to me trying to feel unaffected and stroking my own ego. Tell me how I’m good at teaching my girls about hygiene and cleanliness but as far as substance…300 miles away… Tell me more about me! Obviously I lack the insight and self-awareness, so instead of asking me, observing me, listening to me, you take my feelings, experiences, perspectives and overwrite them with your own.

I’d been GASLIGHTED…that’s really a thing! Simply put, manipulated and verbally beat down for the sake of power opposed to understanding another. In Tasha’s mind, maybe she thought she was encouraging and supporting me, but mostly lacked objectivity and jumped to conclusions about what she thought of me instead of just asking me, about me, which I religiously suggested. Apparently “gaslighting does not require deliberate plotting, it only requires a belief that it is acceptable to overwrite another person’s reality. We learn to manipulate each other very naturally.” I pride myself in being able to adjust to change, but had never felt like I had to trade my reality with someone else’s until now. There will always be room for improvement, but I like me, a lot. Your partner should too and not only when you agree with their perspectives and opinions or when their ego approves of your behavior.

Fact is, there are 7 billion humans on earth, I fell in love…quickly, surprisingly, and undoubtedly with just 1. That didn’t mean I would not make mistakes, crawl back into my shell, and get frustrated when we argued. It meant that I would consistently work at becoming a better me/partner. I learned quickly, that loving someone is not all about meeting our own needs. One’ness takes time, at least for me so trust and dedication to commitment is imperative to build a relationship on. Despite our failed attempts to reconcile, I’m still in love with Tasha, not Tasha’s ego that I’d been introduced to. I find it hard to let her go because I still have hope, but she broke my heart, and I’ve learned to deal with my feelings instead of acting as if they don’t exist, knowing they will eventually change; such as life. It goes on.

Table for 2

I just finished reading Paulo Coelho’s “Eleven Minutes” while waiting for my return flight to Philly. “Eleven Minutes” depicts the conflicting thoughts on love a young woman carries on her journey to reaching her dream.

I can’t help but to think about love in as many variations as possible. Love comes in so many packages and I embrace those packages as long as they are genuine, risky and passionate. I’ve never personally been at a place where love and my dreams have conflicted. In my mind they coincide with each other, one cultivates the other. There was one paragraph in the book that really jumped onto my back so of course I have to share it:

“You experienced pain yesterday and you discovered that it led to pleasure. You experienced it today and found peace. That’s why I’m telling you don’t get used to it, because it’s very easy to become habituated; it’s a very powerful drug. It’s in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifice we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but it’s seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self-denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it, we human beings always find a way of being with pain, or flirting with it and making it a part of our lives.”

I can only speak for myself when I say despite my hardships I love the person I am and who I am becoming, but adversity is not a space I want to live in, look for, or equate with pleasure. I strive for love and happiness every day because adversity comes unsolicited, unwelcomed, and unexpected anyway. People endure unasked for pain and suffering every day, no worries, our next turn is sure to come! With that said, I take no interest in asking for it as if it were my favorite bowl of cream of wheat. I only leave room for 2 at my table… Love and happiness. #WhatILearnedAsAnADult

-FM

Three Little Words

“In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on” – Robert Frost

And on…and on…Until I realized I’m 31 years old an have been single since I was 24! The majority of my adult life. #awkwardblackgirl? I honestly don’t think so. Fortunately my life has kinda worked like human senses. If one is lacking, for example, vision, then your hearing and sense of touch compensates for the slacker. So while my love life has been trapped in a closet, other aspects of my life has steadily climbed and made it so that I almost forgot “that” part of my life was missing. My future only included “me” and it didn’t bother me. Life: It goes on…

Ironically, I blame most of my social life for creating the bubble I rolled around in. I had friends for everything, except for sex…scratch that, sometimes sex too! Traveling, partying, venting, crying, snuggling, awesome gifts, you name it, I had a friend(s) who provided, so yeah, life: It goes on…

But I turned 30 and met someone that painted a new picture of my future. I didn’t realize what I was missing until I found It… again. It had been so long since I felt that kind of love for someone. Im 31 now, although im still single, im in love with love. I’ve had plenty years of preparing myself for a future I didn’t even know I wanted until now. My friends have been the love I long for, and they’ve set the standards pretty high lol. Im thankful. Im ready. My picture now includes a two car garage 😀

The L Word Part I

“I Carry you,
I pray for you more than I pray for myself,
When you’re away for more than an hour,
I cant stop thinking about you,
And when you smile, my world is alright.”

Totally stolen from Tyler Perry’s “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” but its how I feel! I’m in love with love!

So its been 3 weeks, 1 day, 5hrs, and 5 minutes since I last saw her. Lets call “her” Bette. Bette message me on a dating website, in which I didn’t respond simply because she only had one photo posted that I wasn’t to fond of. Guess that sounds pretty shallow, but its true. It wasn’t until I was checking other messages that I found she had changed her profile picture and added several other pictures that I found pretty intriguing… So I messaged her back and that was the beginning of the end.

It was late summer, the perfect time to start dating. There was still time to eat outside and take long walks in the park, and that’s exactly what we did. The first month seemed great. Despite her mentioning her feelings for her co-worker a time or four. Lets call her co worker Tina. We sat over a full spread of Mexican deliciousness when I asked her why she felt the need to “mention” Tina as often as she did. To Bette’s surprise she felt she had only mentioned her once before, and just wanted to be honest. Maybe I was to Naïve to see she was already in love with Tina. Bette claimed she and Tina were never physically or romantically involved because Tina rejected her advance.

After a month of dating, Bette decided to stop dating me because she wanted to take some time to “find herself” What has she been doing for the past 31 years?! What I wanted to ask but didn’t dare. She explained her ups and downs, which lead me to respect her reasoning for doing so, but a month of solitude?? Whatever floats your boat…

I didn’t bother her, but surprisingly she texted and called pretty often, and popped up at my home a couple of times to surprise me? I honestly didn’t know how I felt about the situation but I enjoyed those moments anyway. After one month of solitude, November 1st to be exact, Bette called me and asked if we could “hang out” again. Sure, why not?! I enjoyed her company and cared a great deal about her at this point. I just wasn’t to sure about what to expect!

The L Word Part II

Bette and I fell into a routine even more consistent than before. We spent several nights together throughout the week, we shared secrets and became very “comfortable” with each other. Every couple of weeks, I noticed a mood shift, from happy to sad, confident to unassuming and self conscious…During these instances Bette would state how she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but if we moved any slower, we wouldn’t be moving at all. She also stated she wasn’t happy with herself and of course, but of course the reason was the infamous Tina.

I decided to fight past all the signs of why I needed to let her go and often convinced her to continue dating me!! Who does that?!! Certainly at that point…me. It didn’t feel good either, but my craving for immediate gratification took over my usually logical and perceptive self. Every time we went through this I felt like a little piece of my happiness was stolen….so why do it? I loved her, with all my heart and no brain. I actually still do, but enough to let her go when I realized I could not pull her into my peace, and new I didn’t want to be pulled into her storm. I realized that outside of what I wanted us to become and who I imagined her to be, there was no longer a reason to fight for her anymore. I love her as a person, but I was in love with a figment of my imagination. I imaged her to be some one who loved me as much as I loved them.

During what started off as a good weekend, Bette left her apartment for 20mins, in which I took to read her innermost thoughts. that’s right, I read her journal, in search of something to confirm my thoughts and to make me angry…and I found just that. I had no remorse as I found what motivated me to get out of this situation. Bette loved me, but was not “in love” with me. She was in love with Tina. I didn’t have a fair shot from the beginning. I felt like she awakened my love without the intention of loving me back. I did thank her for that awakening. It had been years since I felt myself falling in love. It was to the point where I thought I may had been incapable of doing so again.

We both knew we need space, but neither wanted it, so we tried the “friendship” thing, which was short lived. After constantly hearing her speak so genuinely about Tina, I thought I was ok! At least until the weekend we decided to take a short trip to her parents home to go snowboarding over the weekend. The ride back to her parents after snowboarding was bitter sweet. Bette was driving but it was obvious her mind was far gone. I asked he she cared to share what was on her mind, and you can guess who was the main character of her thoughts, Tina who mind fucked her, how Bette mind fucked me. It was at that point that I realized Bette would act funny towards me when Tina gave her just enough sugar to satisfy her craving. Bette went on to express how she was uncertain about whether she should make another move on Tina. She said some other things, but my mind ran away after that. Despite our new “friendship” why did she feel so comfortable about her boasting love for someone else so soon? Did she love me at all or was she just clueless?? Either way, “I need space” I uttered those words out of pure desperation to rid myself of the feelings I had. The next night of the trip couldn’t end soon enough. I wanted to start the process and get it over with.

We had only dated for 5 months, and on and off, but it seemed so long because of the ups and downs. I miss Bette, but not the situation, and honestly at this point, I hope things don’t work out of Bette and Tina. Its been 3 weeks, 1 day, 5hrs, and 20 minutes since we’ve seen each other, but who’s counting?

#WhatILearnedAsAnAdult

So I have this social network friend named Redi W. He is the king of
#WhatILearnedAsAnAdult posts. I generally find his post relatable so I thought I’d share #WhatILearnedAsAnAdult with you guys 🙂

1) I often describe myself as being very simplistic. Life isn’t as smooth and simple as I would like it to be, and I tremendously appreciate the strength in resiliency. I have learned that making a few short-term goals and completing them over a short period makes me happier than making a long term goal and not being happy until I reach that goal later down road. My long term goal is to be happy, so by steadily maintaining fulfillment along the way, in a sense, I’m already there.

2) While we live in a capitalist society, our financial well being is placed in the hands of the highest bidder, so it is important for me to reassess my finances annually. The best financial security is being debt free, not owing anyone, so the closer I get to that point, the better off I am financially. I’m constantly looking to lower my homeowners insurance, car insurance, and looking to become more energy efficient, saving myself from having a panic attack when I open my electric bill. I’ve recently stream lined my mortgage to get a lower interest rate, which saves thousands over the life of the loan and a few extra dollars monthly.

3) I don’t ever want to be so religious that I miss the point. For me, the point being is the spiritual connection/relationship with God, and sharing the experiences and blessings across the board, not only with those who share the same faith, and without judging those that oppose it.

4) Good communication is key to any successful relationship. Everyone loves differently. If you don’t feel your love is reciprocated, it doesn’t necessarily mean that person doesn’t love you with all they have, you just may not share a similar experience of what love is. In either friendship or romantic relationship, spend time experiencing each other whole heartedly and with an open mind. Love is a subjective experience and can grow into easily complimenting others when you can understand each other.

5) Im still a kid a heart and the greatest gift I can give to myself, is being myself; changing what I don’t like and accepting what I cant change took years of practice. (Freeing your mind) Life experience is one of the best teachers and can be a great character builder. Whatever makes you happy, do it more often. Clearly if setting fires or grand theft rocks your world, this does not apply, but if someone makes you happy, see them more often. You get the point. While the only thing constant in this world is change, my motto is “its never to late to get brand new.”

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