The L Word Part III

What if we were human, incapable of perfection, short tempered, opinionated and quick to judge. Does your daughter know you favor her sister? Did you switch a higher price tag for a lower price tag on a bottle of expensive wine? Did you lie to your partner about going to work at a job you just lost? Does your best friend know that you slept with his/her ex? Did you put back the petty cash you promised to replace at work?

August 4, 2015

I cried today. I cried because I felt sad and heartbroken. I learned the woman I’d thought I would marry, let’s call her Tasha, she doesn’t feel the same for me. Well she did in the beginning but now she’d rather I act as if she were dead. Tasha made it very clear verbally and emotionally that she had mentally checked out of our relationship just a couple of months in. Somewhere else in her mind she tried to make it work and expected growth during the remainder of our relationship.

I have a habit of shutting down and walking away when I’m overwhelmed. It’s not because I want the relationship to end, I just need time to process my thoughts, alone. I had trouble with expressing myself early on because I wasn’t comfortable and it takes time for me to open up sometimes, so I was a mute and non-communicative when I became frustrated. It didn’t help that i’m a very visual learner and she lived 300 miles away, our whole short-lived, 7 month relationship. When I became comfortable after checking myself and realizing we are both human beings, I began unfolding. Then I was narrow-minded, non-receptive, still non-communicative, non-attentive, I only wanted things done the way I wanted them done, I was arrogant, my way of connecting left a bit to be desired, I was an asshole, and a knucklehead among other things…I dare not push her to the point of attacking my values, friendships and relationships as she so clearly shared she was capable of doing… She is a very intelligent woman but Tasha seemed very comfortable with making statements and asserting opinions on situations she had no experience with or knowledge of, including myself. I kept asking myself, what did I do wrong? If she felt all these things about me why did she want to be with me? Then I thought again, and I asked myself if she felt all of these things about me why the hell did I want to be with her?!

Please tell me more about the therapy I need or how some of the dynamics I’ve clung to aren’t conducive to MY PERSONAL growth. It’s mine. Tell me how expressing my feelings equates to me trying to feel unaffected and stroking my own ego. Tell me how I’m good at teaching my girls about hygiene and cleanliness but as far as substance…300 miles away… Tell me more about me! Obviously I lack the insight and self-awareness, so instead of asking me, observing me, listening to me, you take my feelings, experiences, perspectives and overwrite them with your own.

I’d been GASLIGHTED…that’s really a thing! Simply put, manipulated and verbally beat down for the sake of power opposed to understanding another. In Tasha’s mind, maybe she thought she was encouraging and supporting me, but mostly lacked objectivity and jumped to conclusions about what she thought of me instead of just asking me, about me, which I religiously suggested. Apparently “gaslighting does not require deliberate plotting, it only requires a belief that it is acceptable to overwrite another person’s reality. We learn to manipulate each other very naturally.” I pride myself in being able to adjust to change, but had never felt like I had to trade my reality with someone else’s until now. There will always be room for improvement, but I like me, a lot. Your partner should too and not only when you agree with their perspectives and opinions or when their ego approves of your  behavior.

Fact is, there are 7 billion humans on earth, I fell in love…quickly, surprisingly, and undoubtedly with just 1. That didn’t mean I would not make mistakes, crawl back into my shell, and get frustrated when we argued. It meant that I would consistently work at becoming a better me/partner. I learned quickly, that loving someone is not all about meeting our own needs. One’ness takes time, at least for me so trust and dedication to commitment is imperative to build a relationship on. Despite our failed attempts to reconcile, I’m still in love with Tasha, not Tasha’s ego that I’d been introduced to. I find it hard to let her go because I still have hope, but she broke my heart, and I’ve learned to deal with my feelings instead of acting as if they don’t exist, knowing they will eventually change; such as life. It goes on.